Over the years, I’ve spoken with intended parents at every stage of the surrogacy journey. The circumstances are always different, but one theme shows up with absolute consistency. There is always someone who helps you stay steady when things feel uncertain.
We call them flamekeepers.
They come in many forms: partners, friends, relatives, clinicians, workmates, or even someone you met once who said the right thing at the right moment. They don’t always stand at the forefront of the story, but they play a bigger role in this process than even they realise.
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The quiet presence that carries you through
Most conversations about surrogacy focus on clinics, logistics, paperwork, and timelines. But the emotional work often happens in the long stretches between those milestones. Flamekeepers help carry you through those moments in very real, very tangible ways.
It might be the person who sits beside you while you wait for embryo results to come through. The friend who watches you rehearse a difficult conversation with a clinic or agency. The family member who doesn’t ask for constant updates but senses when you’re overwhelmed and quietly asks, “Do you want to talk?” The clinician who remembers your story months later and treats you like a whole person rather than just a file.
None of these moments show up on a timeline or an invoice, but they shape the way you move through this process. They quietly steady you when you need it most.
We all need a flamekeeper!!! That one person who refuses to let us give up. For me, that was my cousin Alana. During my journey, she listened to me on both the good days and the tough ones. And whenever I felt defeated, she reminded me that not all was lost and helped me get back on track. Everyone needs someone like that in their corner, and I feel so incredibly lucky to have her as my flamekeeper.
– Antia Fiorenza
The ones who help you keep moving forward
Surrogacy asks a lot of you. There are decisions that feel huge, delays you didn’t expect, and days where nothing feels certain. Flamekeepers are those that go through every moment with you.
They’re the person you call after a failed embryo transfer.
They’re the one who reminds you why you started when you’re second guessing everything.
They’re the steady voice who sits with your fear rather than telling you not to feel it.
They’re the person who celebrates the small wins with you, because they know how hard-won they are.
Flamekeepers don’t have to solve anything. Their presence is what steadies the ground beneath you. Over time, they weave themselves into the story of how you held on through the harder parts.
A moment of thanks for Flamekeepers
Flamekeepers show up at every stage of the journey, in ways big and small. They hold perspective when the days feel heavy, offer steadiness when things feel uncertain, and remind those on the journey that they are not alone.
To the partners who carry the emotional weight quietly.
To the friends who bring a laugh when you most need it.
To the clinicians who treat every question with patience.
To the relatives who offer comfort without judgment.
To the unexpected voices who say exactly the right thing at the right time.
Your presence matters. You help carry someone through one of the most meaningful chapters of their life.
This is a thank you for that.
There’s always someone in your corner
Even when this journey feels isolating, it’s rare for anyone to truly walk it alone. Sometimes your flamekeeper is obvious. Other times they’re quieter; someone who checks in occasionally, someone who listens without trying to fix things, someone who simply believes in what you’re trying to build. You might not have named them yet, but they’re there.
And if you haven’t felt that presence in a while, it doesn’t mean it’s missing. Support has a way of arriving when it’s needed most, sometimes in unexpected forms. After speaking with so many intended parents, I’ve learned that a flamekeeper usually reveals themselves somewhere along the way.
Growing Families can offer clarity and guidance whenever it helps, but the heart of this message is simple: No one moves through this journey completely alone. Your flamekeeper is out there, and they matter more than they know.
And if you ever need another steady voice in your corner, don’t hesitate to reach out to us.
