I talk to intended parents all the time, and one thing I hear again and again is that no one really talks about what it feels like when things get hard. A lot of the stories shared by agencies or other professionals focus on milestones and success stories. And while that’s important for showing what’s possible and keeping hope alive, it doesn’t really prepare you for the challenging moments.
At Growing Families, we want intended parents to have guidance and practical tools for the entire journey, including the parts that are emotionally challenging. Because, yes, surrogacy comes with its share of emotional highs and lows. So I spoke with a couple of experts to gather tips on how to navigate those moments and stay grounded along the way.
Finding the right people
One of the first hurdles in any surrogacy journey is finding the right agencies, clinics, and professionals who you can trust. Over the past year, we’ve seen cases where intended parents have struggled because they ended up with agencies that didn’t communicate clearly, clinics that weren’t fully transparent, or support teams that weren’t equipped to handle the emotional and logistical demands of the process.
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These situations can be incredibly stressful: miscommunications, unclear timelines, or unexpected costs can quickly become overwhelming. Choosing the right people from the start isn’t just about convenience; it can set the tone for your entire journey. We always stress the importance of doing your homework, asking the right questions, and leaning on trusted networks to ensure you’re surrounded by professionals who will guide you reliably and compassionately.
The Challenges That Can Arise Along the Way
Even with the right people around you, the surrogacy journey can bring moments that are unexpectedly tough. Medical updates can shift without warning. Screenings don’t always return the results you hoped for. Embryo transfers sometimes fail. And for some intended parents, there may be the heartbreak of a miscarriage or the fear that something might be going wrong when communication slows down.
These are the parts of the journey that few talk about openly, yet they’re real, and they can take a toll. It’s common to feel powerless at times, because so much is happening at a distance and outside your direct control. You might find yourself juggling excitement and anxiety in the same breath, questioning whether things are on track or worrying about what comes next. Understanding this from the outset can make it easier to steady yourself when challenges arise.
Navigating Long Periods of Waiting
Waiting is one of the hardest parts of surrogacy. Whether it’s for screening results, medical reports, appointments, or embryo development updates, the in-between spaces can be emotionally draining. You might feel stuck, or like nothing is happening, even though a huge amount of work is taking place behind the scenes.
One way to make this period more manageable is to create predictable rhythms around communication. Setting agreed check-in points with your agency or clinic can stop updates from feeling random or delayed. For those who use our concierge service, we help take this weight off your shoulders by coordinating directly with external teams and gathering updates on your behalf, so you’re not left chasing information or wondering if you’ve missed something.
Some intended parents also find it grounding to build calm into their weekly routine; small activities, moments of rest, or anything that brings normality back into the days when waiting feels all-consuming.
Quiet stretches in the process can make your mind run away with worry. Some people find comfort in routines or small distractions, but often the most effective thing is having someone to talk to. Some of my IPs sometimes call me for a quick chat just to talk about their day or even to just say hi. It gives them a sense of connection and reassurance, helping them feel less alone while they wait.
Anita Fiorenza
Global Support Manager
Growing Families
Handling Setbacks During Embryo Transfer
A failed transfer can feel like the wind has been knocked out of you. Even when you understand the medical odds, the emotional impact can still be sharp. It’s common for intended parents to blame themselves or wonder if they should have done something differently. But transferring embryos is never a guarantee, and setbacks don’t mean the journey is off course.
What can help in these moments is creating space to pause rather than rushing into the next decision. Having a counsellor, a psychologist, or an experienced parent to help you process the disappointment can stop you from internalising it. It also gives you the clarity you need before moving ahead with the next steps.
It’s important to acknowledge that many aspects of family building are not in our control, as intended parents, and not being in control is inherently difficult for all humans. When we accept this fact, we can start to be kind to ourselves. There is no one best way to process disappointment so feel free to experiment with what works for you. Getting conversant with our emotions can be difficult to do at first, but practice makes progress.
Anomie Atkins
Fertility Coach
The Nest Coaching Club
Coping With the Fear of Miscarriage or Loss
Pregnancy is never predictable, and for intended parents, the distance involved in surrogacy can make that fear feel even heavier. When you’re relying on updates from someone else, every message can carry huge emotional weight.
If a miscarriage occurs, it can be devastating for everyone involved. I know from my own experience what that kind of loss can feel like. Our first babies were stillborn, and the grief that followed wasn’t something I could simply push through or reason my way out of. It takes time, space and the right support to find your footing again.
Grief is a natural response to losing something deeply hoped for. And while every person grieves differently, reaching out early to a counsellor, a psychologist, or even someone who’s walked this road can make an enormous difference. Understanding what emotions might surface and building coping strategies before they’re needed helps you move through the hardest moments with more support and less isolation.
There are many daily and weekly routines that support wellbeing. If any of the routines that make you feel good have been inadvertently dropped during an intense, upsetting or stressful period, start one today and build from there.
Anomie Atkins
Fertility Coach
The Nest Coaching Club
Managing Communication Gaps
Communication is everything in this journey. When it slows down or when updates feel unclear, your mind can fill in the blanks with the worst possibilities. It’s understandable, because you’re investing so much emotionally, financially, and personally.
The best approach is to set expectations early. Ask how often you should hear from the agency or clinic, what communication looks like during key milestones, and who your point of contact is. Clarity alleviates a lot of unnecessary stress. And if updates stall, it’s completely reasonable to ask for a quick check-in or request a timeline.
A lot of intended parents hesitate to ask for updates because they worry they’ll seem demanding. So I always remind my IPs that this is their family-building journey, and they have every right to understand what’s happening. They shouldn’t even have to chase for updates. If your agency isn’t keeping you informed, speak up or request a clear rhythm of check-ins; it’s perfectly reasonable and can save a lot of unnecessary stress.
Anita Fiorenza
Global Support Manager
Growing Families
Staying Grounded When Things Feel Out of Your Control
Surrogacy asks you to place enormous trust in others, and that can be challenging.
Experts often suggest focusing on the pieces you can control, however small. That might be preparing your home, building your support network, learning more about each stage, or simply validating your own feelings rather than pushing them aside. Small actions create steadiness.
Above all, you deserve support throughout this journey, especially during the moments that test you.
If you’re looking for guidance, support, or someone to help you stay grounded throughout the process, get in touch with us. We’re here to help you every step of the way.
